Towards an Understanding of Spiritual Abuse

[Juan and Yenan]

By Rev. Yenan Y. Perez, PhD
Christian Clinical Counselor

They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. (Ephesians 4:18-19)
More than 1,900 years ago, the Apostle Paul was dealing with the manifestation of the sinful human nature in the church. Today, we continue dealing with the same problems in the church and in society alike. Control and Power are the face of deception in the world, society, church and family, which manifests as: physical, sexual, psychological/emotional and spiritual violence/abuse.
Control and power are the basic needs of a darkened understanding and a hardened heart that is fed with a continual lust for more. Abusers are followers of the ways of the world (control and power) and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is at work in those who are disobedient (Ephesians 2:2). Thus, they manifest behaviors, which manifest as the fruits of the flesh.
The acts of the fallen and sinful nature are obvious:
Sexual immorality, impurity and wickedness
Idolatry and witchcrafts
Hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy
Drunkenness, orgies, and the like.
“I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:19-21).
For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God. (John 3:20-21)
Spiritual Abuse
The sinful nature, through a person that abuses power and control manifests as spiritual abuse. David Henke defines spiritual abuse as “the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times, it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means.” Spiritual abusers are “religious, legalistic, controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian” and sometimes they can be your father, husband, or pastor.
Spiritual abuse has devastating effects in any trustful relationship. When a very high level of trust is required and this trust is violated there is always spiritual abuse. Usually, spiritual leaders do place the leadership or “head of the family” over the father or a male caretaker. In a spiritual abusive family, it is, and ought to be, that the child, adolescent and wife honors and respect the authority with high levels of trust involved at the expense of them. “When such trust is violated, the wound is very deep. Sometimes the wound is so deep that the wounded person cannot trust even a legitimate spiritual authority again” (ibid.).
In addition, disillusionment with, the spiritual image of the caretaker, and/or male partner which abuses in the name of God, will develop in the victim an unhealthy fear, anger and alienation towards God, making it difficult for the spiritually abused person to trust.
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive behavior designed to exert power and control over a person in an intimate relationship by using coercive behavior, intimidation, threatening, harmful and/or harassing behavior. Domestic violence includes a manifold of abuses such as physical, sexual, emotional and/or psychological and spiritual. Here are specific examples of these types of behavior:
Physical abuse is usually recurrent and usually escalates in both frequency and severity. It may include the following:
Pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting, punching, and kicking the victim.
Holding, tying down, or restraining the victim.
Inflicting bruises, welts, lacerations, punctures, fractures, burns, and scratches.
Strangling the victim.
Pulling the victim’s hair or dragging the victim by the victim’s hair or body parts.
Assaulting the victim with a weapon.
Inflicting injury upon pets or animals. (FCADV)
Using the force and/or punishment to obtain submission and obedience because of the person distorted used of God’s word.
Emotional or psychological abuse may precede or accompany physical violence as a means of controlling through fear and degradation. It may include the following:
Threats of harm
Physical and social isolation
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
Deprivation of resources to meet basic needs
Intimidation, degradation, and humiliation
Name calling and constant criticizing, insulting, and belittling the victim
False accusations, blaming the victim for everything
Ignoring, dismissing, or ridiculing the victim’s needs
Lying, breaking promises, and destroying the victim’s trust
Driving fast and recklessly to frighten and intimidate the victim
Leaving the victim in a dangerous place
Refusing to help when the victim is sick or injured
Threats or acts of violence/injury upon pets or animals (FCADV)
Using God’s word and authority to intimidate blame and condemn.
Sexual abuse in violent relationships is often the most difficult aspect of abuse for women to discuss. It may include any form of forced sex or sexual degradation:
Trying to make or making the victim perform sexual acts against her will
Pursuing sexual activity when the victim is not fully conscious, or is not asked, or is afraid to say no
Physically hurting the victim during sex or assaulting her genitals, including the use of objects or weapons intravaginally, orally, or anally
Coercing the victim to have sex without protection against pregnancy or sexually transmittable diseases
Criticizing the victim and calling her sexually degrading names
Engaging in unwanted sexual contact that may result in torn, stained, or bloody underclothing; difficulty walking or sitting; pain, itching, bruising, or bleeding in genital areas; unexplained venereal disease or genital infections (FCADV).
Using God’s word “the wife body belong to her husband to take sexual gratification is the same as raping your wife.

The Jesus declares: “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear a good fruit (Matthew 7:18). But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts … for where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (James 3:14-16)
A spiritual abusive marriage comes from a distorted interpretation of God’s word. As with abuse of authority based on what the Bible stated on Ephesians 5:22-24:
Wives submit yourselves to your husband as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, … now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
If there has been a passage in the Bible that has been more misused and abused is Ephesians 5:22-24. To understand these verses, and be able to free women from spiritual abuse we need to clarify what Paul was explaining. In the beginning of Ephesians chapter 5 Paul began declaring:
Be imitator of God v.1
A conscious act of your will
Live a life of love as Christ loved us and gave himself for us v.2
A behavior of love of servanthood
It is not right that any manner of immorality, indecency or greed should be mentioned v.3
A carnal behavior which is a product of a heart that is following the fleshly desires
Nor language which is obscene, profane, or vulgar v.4
Verbal abuse
The power to produce death through your words
Be sure that no immoral, impure or greedy person has any inheritance in the kingdom of God v.5
Warning to the ones that practice such behavior and attitudes
Do not let anyone deceive you with foolish words v.6
This imply our source of information is not God
Have nothing with these kind of people v.7
People that influences your mind and behavior
You are in the light, live like people of the light v.8
Behave like people of the light
This implies that it is your choice to act in this way
For the light brings every kind of goodness, righteousness, and truth v.9
And people will know when you are acting in this way because of your fruits
The consequences will be goodness, righteousness, and truth
As you try to please the Lord v.10
Focused on impressing the Lord
From verses 11 to 17 Paul focused on reinforcing on not sharing, thinking and behaving like people of the darkness instead we should try to identify what is the will of the Lord; and Paul goes on and explained it.
Do not get drunk but be filled with the Spirit v.18
Find joy and pleasure in the Spirit
Speak to one another with psalms, sacred songs to the Lord and praises in your heart v.19
Choose to think and speak words of life
Always give thanks to God for everything v.20
Be grateful
Do not focused in what you do not have
Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ v.21
Stop resisting one another
And treat each other with respect for respect to Christ
To whom is Paul talking? After Paul identified everything that is not OK in godly people especially those in a marital relationship, he goes on and explains in detail what kind of behavior should be in a godly marriage.
Submit, give up, lay down your arms to one another v.21
Do not resist each other
Submit to your husband like you do to the Lord—which is voluntary and with love and gratitude, because He is good with you—v. 22
Have with your husband the same attitude you have towards the Lord of gratitude, love and respect.
Paul is stating that we should submit to one another and he goes further, to explain that the husband should not impose this submission onto his wife because it must be voluntary.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church v.23
Paul is now affirming that husband headship is as Christ, and the expression of this headship is as Christ with the Church. This was supposed to be encouraging for wives, for them to have an attitude of cooperation in the transformation that was happening in their husband’s minds. And at the same time Paul was letting husbands know what type of headship in the Lord it must be shown.
As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything v.24
Is Paul saying that wives should submit in everything? Yes he is. However, this submission in everything is like the church. How is the church submitting to Christ? Like the church, means voluntarily, Paul goes furthermore, now he declares that wives submission should be in everything like the church. The church is composed of men and women. Paul was explaining what kind of submission a husband should expect; He was saying something like this: “Like you husband that submit to God only when you want to do it, and you are God’s church thus His wife” this is what God has revealed to me that Paul wanted to say in his analogy in verses 21 to 24.
Now, Paul begins to deal in deep with husbands exhorting them to:
Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her v.25
Agape love, which is to be unselfish
To make her holy, cleansing her through the word v.26
He decides to make her holy through his word
Word that edify her and lift her up
To present her to himself as a radiant wife, without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless v.27
IN THE SAME WAY, husband ought to love their wives
As their own bodies
He who loves his wife loves himself v.28
No one ever hated his own body but he:
Feeds and cares for it
Just as Christ does… v.29
I can only rejoice when I see what kind of marriage God wants for His daughters. God wants husbands to be like Christ. The relation between the head and the body is for a husband to be the source, which in a sacrificial love will bring life to his wife in a system that treats, promotes and proclaims that women are of lower status and/or a possession of their husbands. God was and is saying that a husband that confess to be His son must love his wife like Christ loves the church.
Christ loves the church by giving up himself. He died for His church. He died to His own rights. Christ renounced to His royal position and authority for loving His church, he became a servant and by doing so He gain all authority, honor and praises. God is saying to His sons through Paul something like this: “I know that this world has given you power and control; however I want you to love your wife as Christ loved you. I want you to be servant leaders, which will be sure that my daughters will be protected, nourished and cared. You will see her as holy and will use your words to edify her like Christ as done with you. You will love her just as much you love yourself. You will use your headship to bring life to their life and free them from the lies of the enemy which as stolen her identity and freedom.”
At the end of Ephesians chapter five Paul closes his statement saying:
Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself v.33a
Paul was speaking to the church’s men and through these words, he was correcting their behavior.
To the wives he was also correcting their attitude.
And the wife must respect her husband
The wife must respect her husband, which is the language that men understand as love. He is saying to wives; “know that you know the truth about what God wants for you in your marriage, and what God expects from your husbands, don’t become crazy celebrating your freedom and such honoring position, by disrespecting your husband’s social position, but be wise and meek by respecting your husbands. In this way you will contribute to your own good.

[Dale Stensland]

Thanks God bless~!