Christian Marriage and Spiritual Abuse

[Juan and Yenan]

Jesus declares: “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear a good fruit (Matthew 7:18). But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts … for where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (James 3:14-16)

A spiritual abusive marriage comes from a distorted interpretation of God’s word. As with abuse of authority based on what the Bible stated on Ephesians 5:22-24:

Wives submit yourselves to your husband as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, … now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

If there has been a passage in the Bible that has been more misused and abused is Ephesians 5:22-24. To understand these verses, and be able to free women from spiritual abuse we need to clarify what Paul was explaining. In the beginning of Ephesians chapter 5 Paul began declaring:

Be imitator of God v.1

· A conscious act of your will

Live a life of love as Christ loved us and gave himself for us v.2

· A behavior of love and servant hood

It is not right that any manner of immorality, indecency or greed should be mentioned v.3

· A carnal behavior which is a product of a heart that is following the fleshly desires

Nor language which is obscene, profane, or vulgar v.4

· Verbal abuse

· The power to produce death through your words

Be sure that no immoral, impure or greedy person has any inheritance in the kingdom of God v.5

· Warning to the ones that practice such behavior and attitudes

Do not let anyone deceive you with foolish words v.6

· This imply our source of information is not God

Have nothing with this kind of people v.7

· These people are a bad influence that corrupt your mind and behavior

You are in the light; live like people of the light v.8

· Behave like people of the light

· This implies that it is your choice to act in this way

For the light brings every kind of goodness, righteousness, and truth v.9

· And people will know when you are acting in this way because of your fruits

· The consequences will be goodness, righteousness, and truth

As you try to please the Lord v.10

· Focused on impressing the Lord

From verses 11 to 17 Paul focused on reinforcing to the church on not sharing, thinking and behaving like people of the darkness instead we should try to identify what is the will of the Lord; and Paul goes on and explained it.

Do not get drunk but be filled with the Spirit v.18

· Find joy and pleasure in the Spirit

Speak to one another with psalms, sacred songs to the Lord and praises in your heart v.19

· Choose to think and speak words of life

Always give thanks to God for everything v.20

· Be grateful

· Do not focused in what you do not have

Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ v.21

· Mutual submission

· Stop resisting one another

· And treat each other with respect for respect to Christ

To whom is Paul talking? After Paul identified everything that is not OK in godly people especially those in a marital relationship, he goes on and explains in detail what kind of behavior should be in a godly marriage.

Submit, give up, and lay down your arms to one another v.21

· Do not resist each other

Submit to your husband like you do to the Lord—which is voluntary and with love and gratitude, because He is good with you—v. 22

· Have with your husband the same attitude you have towards the Lord of gratitude, love and respect.

Paul is stating that we should submit to one another and he goes further, to explain that the husband should not impose this submission onto his wife because it must be voluntary.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church v.23

Paul is now affirming that husband headship is as Christ, and the expression of this headship is as Christ with the Church. This was supposed to be encouraging for wives, for them to have an attitude of cooperation in the transformation that was happening in their husband’s minds. And at the same time Paul was letting husbands know what type of headship in the Lord it must be shown.

As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything v.24

Is Paul saying that wives should submit in everything? Yes he is. However, this submission in everything is like the church. How is the church submitting to Christ? Like the church, means voluntarily, Paul goes furthermore, now he declares that wives submission should be in everything like the church. The church is composed of men and women. Paul was explaining what kind of submission a husband should expect; He was saying something like this: “Like you husband that submit to God only when you want to do it, and you are God’s church thus His wife” this is what God has revealed to me that Paul wanted to say in his analogy in verses 21 to 24. Like the church means that the wife needs to recognize her husband position in relation to her as the body of Christ. He represents the head she represents the body.

Now, Paul begins to deal in deep with husbands exhorting them to:

Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her v.25

· Agape love, which is an act of the husband will to loved her unselfishly

To make her holy, cleansing her through the word v.26

· He decides to make her holy through his word

· Words that edify her and lift her up

To present her to himself as a radiant wife, without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless v.27

IN THE SAME WAY, husband ought to love their wives

As their own bodies

He who loves his wife loves himself v.28

No one ever hated his own body but he:

Feeds and cares for it

Just as Christ does… v.29

I can only rejoice when I see what kind of marriage God wants for His daughters. God wants husbands to be like Christ. The relation between the head and the body is for a husband to be the source, which in a sacrificial love will bring life to his wife in a system that treats, promotes and proclaims that women are of lower status and/or a possession of their husbands. God was and is saying that a husband that confess to be His son must love his wife like Christ loves the church.

Christ loves the church by giving up himself. He died for His church. He died to His own rights. Christ renounced to His royal position and authority for loving His church, he became a servant and by doing so He gain all authority, honor and praises. God is saying to His sons through Paul something like this: “I know that this world has given you power and control; however I want you to love your wife as Christ loved you. I want you to be servant leaders, which will be sure that my daughters will be protected, nourished and cared. You will see her as holy and will use your words to edify her like Christ as done with you. You will love her just as much you love yourself. You will use your headship to bring life to their life and free them from the lies of the enemy which as stolen her identity and freedom.”

At the end of Ephesians chapter five Paul closes his statement saying:

Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself v.33a

Paul was speaking to the church’s men and through these words, he was correcting their behavior.

· To the wives he was also correcting their attitude.

· And the wife must respect her husband

The wife must respect her husband, which is the language that men understand as love and as a sign of headship recognition. He is also saying to wives; “know that you know the truth about what God wants for you in your marriage, and what God expects from your husbands, don’t become crazy celebrating your freedom and such honoring position, by disrespecting your husband’s social position, but be wise and meek by respecting your husbands. In this way you will contribute to your own good.