Tamar Story

[Juan and Yenan]

A Bible Story Discussion – The Rape of Tamar
By Bonnie Nicholas, 05/06
2 Samuel 13:1-22 (Reading dramatically helps us hear the different voices in the text. The following dramatic reading is taken from the NIV Version of the Bible)
Reader #1: In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.
Reader #2: Now Amnon had a friend named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David's brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. He asked Amnon, "Why do you, the king's son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won't you tell me?"
Reader #1: Amnon said to him, "I'm in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister."
Reader #2: "Go to bed and pretend to be ill," Jonadab said. "When your father comes to see you, say to him, `I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.' "
Reader #1: So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, "I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand."
Reader #2: David sent word to Tamar at the palace: "Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him."
Reader #3: So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. Then she took the pan and served him the bread.
Reader #1: But he refused to eat. "Send everyone out of here," Amnon said.
Reader #2: So everyone left him.
Reader #1: Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand."
Reader #3: And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom.
Reader #1: But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, "Come to bed with me, my sister."
Reader #3: "Don't, my brother!" she said to him. "Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked
fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you."
Reader #2: But he refused to listen to her.
Reader #1: And since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
Reader #2: Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her.
Reader #1: Amnon said to her, "Get up and get out!"
Reader #3: "No!" she said to him. "Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me."
Reader #2: But he refused to listen to her.
Reader #1: He called his personal servant and said, "Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her."
Reader #2: So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing a richly ornamented robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore.
Reader #3: Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornamented robe she was wearing. She put her hand on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.
Cultural Context
First we need to understand a little cultural background. You may think that in our culture women are second-class citizens whose voices are not taken as seriously as those of men, and you may be right. In ancient Israel it was much worse. Women were bought and sold as property; wealthy men were known by having many wives along with herds of sheep and goats. A woman’s value was seen primarily in her ability to bear children, especially sons and heirs. Tamar, a virgin daughter of King David, had value in her culture because of her social status. Alliances between nations were sometimes formed through marriage to the daughter of a king. Tamar was also very beautiful. She and her full brother Absalom were known and admired throughout Israel for their great beauty.
Love and Lust
It’s recorded that Amnon (a half brother in this family) “fell in love” with Tamar. The Bible says love is patient and kind and does not demand its own way. Love seeks the best for the beloved and rejoices in what is true (See 1 Corinthians 13). According to these words, what Amnon felt for Tamar was not love. In our culture today, just as then, selfish lust and selfless love get confused as mixed messages come to us from all directions. Our Creator never intended for us to be able to separate sex from love and relationship, to compartmentalize ourselves and say, this is just a physical thing. What a terrible ability! It’s important to see ourselves and also to treat others as whole people, interconnected in all of our aspects, created with dignity in the image of God. We read that Amnon “became frustrated to the point of illness” because she was a virgin and he
couldn’t “do anything to her”. The expression of doing anything to as opposed to with Tamar shows the power differential operating. This uneven power dynamic is central to domestic and sexual violence. Here Amnon considers only his own desires, and Tamar is seen as an object to meet his needs. He fails to consider Tamar as a complete person, created with dignity in the image of God, someone to interact with on equal ground.
A Deceitful Voice
Now, Amnon had a good friend who was very “shrewd” or “crafty”. Jonadab (a cousin in this family) helped Amnon devise a plot, a way to get what he wanted. The plot was based on deception and involved a shameful, violent act against Tamar. It doesn’t seem to me that either Amnon or Jonadab thought through the consequences of this plan. Their wickedness was very short sighted, as wickedness often is. With a little reflection and thought, Amnon could have said, “No”, to Jonadab’s plan and determined a more righteous way. The book of Proverbs is full of verses that encourage people to listen to wisdom rather than to folly. Psalm 1 says that the person who does NOT walk in the counsel of the wicked is blessed. Rather they meditate on God’s law day and night. Amnon would have been better off following this advice and not listening to his cousin Jonadab. The voices in our culture are strong and easily followed, voices that portray women as sex objects, voices that make sex into a power play, voices that reward getting your own way at any cost. Following false voices can lead one to the wrong place and result in disastrous consequences.
The Rape Scene
Next we find Amnon, confused about love and led astray by his false friend. Tamar, totally unsuspecting is going to his bedside. She couldn’t have known about the evil plan. She also couldn’t have refused to go to him. The orders had come directly from her father, who happened to be the king. One of the greatest of kings of all time, King David! She was not in a position to say no. Besides, this was her half-brother; I’m sure she was happy to care for him in his illness. But when she took the bread to him, he grabbed her. And, “since he was stronger than she, he raped her.” Tamar was not responsible for his actions. She did everything exactly right. She even tried to reason with Amnon, which is amazing considering her circumstances. Listen to her wisdom and clarity of thought, “Don’t force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel!” She was concerned, as a daughter of the king should be, about her country. She was unselfishly encouraging Amnon to think about the reputation of Israel. It’s too bad Amnon, who was next in line to be king, didn’t think about such things. Tamar thought ahead to the consequences for both herself and for Amnon. “Where could I get rid of my disgrace?” she says, and “you would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel.” She even had the presence of mind to suggest an alternate, more righteous way. “Speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you”. (It sounds strange in our culture which is not used to marriages with half-siblings or with arranged marriages). Tamar was unselfishly concerned with honor, not only for herself, but also for Israel and even for Amnon himself. What wise, intelligent, impressive words, coming from Tamar. It’s hard to even imagine her being able to think so clearly and express herself this eloquently as she was being grabbed to be raped.
Adding Insult to Injury
We read in verse 15, “Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred”. How could such strong love so quickly turn into intense hate? Besides the fact that it wasn’t really love to begin with, this is where Tamar’s wise words and noble character may have worked
against her. Amnon may have recognized Tamar’s wisdom, inner strength and integrity. So when he looked at her, he saw his own wickedness in stark contrast, like a dark reflection. No one likes to be shown the darkness in their own soul. Tamar reminded Amnon of his own failure and of the evil he had done, and for that, he hated her. He told her to get up and get out! The expectation is for Tamar to run out of there as fast as she could; but that’s not what happened. Amazingly, she stayed right there. She said, “No! Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.” Tamar is again offering Amnon the opportunity to pursue honor for both of them and for Israel. Yet again, wise words from Tamar went unheeded. The servant had to come to throw Tamar out and bolt the door behind her.
The Immediate Response
How did Tamar respond? She goes public with it immediately, tearing her royal robe, putting ashes on her head and wailing loudly down the halls of the palace! All these things are signs of grief and of mourning, perfectly logical responses. Tamar had it exactly right. She had been grievously wronged; something extremely valuable had been lost. Not everyone understood. Her brother Absalom said, “Be quiet now, my sister… Don’t take this thing to heart.” He would rather have kept it hidden pretending that everything was fine. Her father the king, even though the text says he was furious, even though he had more power to take action than anyone in the kingdom, did nothing. Those who should have been supportive and taken her side couldn’t understand and didn’t respond appropriately. They minimized what had happened, showing that they didn’t appreciate the depth of Tamar’s pain or the value of what had been lost.
An Old Story/A New Story
Tamar’s story is an old story and also a new story, repeated over and over again in the lives of many women and also some men. There are those who feel entitled to sexually assault someone else. There are those who blame the victim, minimize the experience and choose not to respond when they have power to do so. These are inappropriate responses in the face of this ongoing tragedy.

[Prophetess Rowena Welch]

Tamar responded in the only way that she could.

[Juan and Yenan]

Amen sister! I am Tamar too. I was sexually abused when I was a little girls of 8 and raped again when I was 15. Raped many other times because I didn't knew how to say NO! Raped in my body and soul. Victim of Domestic Violence. But God has been faithful in my life and powerfully has healed me. Today, I have forgiven the rapists and believe that God has done justice here and now in my life.

Donna said:

Donna said:

I am a "Tamar". Young male family members took advantage of me when I was a very young girl. God has restored me, and is still helping me to recover and not live in fear for my own children now. He's also blessed me with wisdom to understand what can happen when kids are left to themselves too much. So, though I am not perfect, God is, and He is helping my husband and I to raise our son and two daughters so that a generational curse is not passed on to our children.
The other thing that helps in all of this is the fact that we were celibate before marriage. We didn't have any other children before we married. So, all of our children have the blessing of being born as children out of a holy blessed marital union.
This truly does make a difference, as well, as seen in Tamar's story.

My personal testimony is located here.