SIGNS TO LOOK FOR IN A BATTERING PERSONALITY

[Juan and Yenan]

SIGNS TO LOOK FOR IN A BATTERING PERSONALITY

1.) Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will say that the jealousy is a sign on love, which it isn’t (jealousy is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness). The abuser will question who the victim talks to, accuse him/her of flirting, or be jealous of time the victim spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealously progresses, the abuser may call the victim frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work for fear that s/he will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors such as checking the victim’s car mileage or asking friends to watch him/her.

2.) Controlling Behavior: At the beginning, the batterer will say that this behavior is because s/he is concerned for the victim’s safety or the victim’s need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the victim is “late” coming back from the store or an appointment. The abuser will question the victim closely about where s/he went, who s/he talked to. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let the victim make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church, money, or leaving the house or room.

3.) Quick Involvement: Many victims dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser comes on like a whirlwind claiming “love at first sight” and tell the victim flattering things such as, “you’re the only person I could ever talk to,” and “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” The abuser needs someone desperately and will pressure the victim to commit.

4.) Unrealistic Expectations: The abuser is very dependent on the woman for his/her needs; and expects the victim to be the perfect wife, husband, mother, father, lover, and friend. The abuser will say things like, “if you loved me, I’m all you need—you’re all I need.”

5.) Isolation: The abuser tries to cut the victim off from all resources. If s/he has friends of the other gender, then s/he is a “whore”, and if s/he has friends of the same gender, s/he is “gay” or a “lesbian.” And if s/he is close to family, then s/he is “tied to the apron strings.” The abuser will accuse people who are his/her supports of “causing trouble.” The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, or not let the victim use the car, or may try to keep him/her form working or going to school.

6.) Blames others for Problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him/her wrong, out to get him/her. S/he may make mistakes and then blame the victim for upsetting him/her and keeping him/her from concentrating or doing his/her job. The abuser will tell the victim that s/he is at fault for anything that goes wrong.

7.) Blames other for Feelings: The abuser will tell the victim, “you make me mad,” “you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask,” or “I can’t help being angry.” The abuser makes the decision about what s/he thinks and feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Harder to catch are the abuser’s claims that “you make me happy”, “you control how I feel.”

8.) Hypersensitivity: The abuser is easily insulted; s/he claims his/her feelings are “hurt” when s/he’s really very mad, or s/he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened to him/her—things that are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help with chores.





SIGNS TO LOOK FOR IN A BATTERING PERSONALITY (continued)


9.) Cruelty to Animals: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering.

10.) “Playful” use of Force in Sex: This person may like to throw the victim down and hold him/her during sex. The abuser will let the victim know that the idea of “rape” excites him/her. The abuser may start having sex with the victim while s/he is sleeping, or demand sex when s/he is ill or tired.

11.) Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen by the abuser as degrading the victim, cursing him/her, running down any of his/her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the victim that s/he is stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking up the victim to verbally abuse him/her or not letting the victim go to sleep.

12.) Rigid Sex Roles: Many male abusers expect a woman to serve him; will say she must stay at home; that she must obey him in all things. Male abusers will see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

13.) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many victims are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” changes in mood—they will describe that one minute s/he’s nice, and the next minute s/he explodes or one minute s/he’s happy and the next minute s/he’s sad.

14.) Past Battering: The abuser may say that s/he has hit a partner in the past, but they made him/her do it. The victim may hear from relatives or ex-spouses that the abuser is abusive. A batterer will abuse any person s/he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person and abusive personality.

15.) Threats of Violence: This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the victim. “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll break your neck.”

16.) Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may beat his/her fists on the table, throw objects around or near the victim.

17.) Any Force During an Argument: This may involve the abuser holding the victim down, physically restraining him/her form leaving the room, and any pushing or shoving.