How to Fight Fair

[Juan and Yenan]

How to Fight Fair
Using conflict to build commitment
© Rhonda Langefeld

Feb 6, 2007

Making your arguments work for your marriage instead of against it.
A difficult problem or hurtful disagreement has just popped up in your marriage life. You may be worried, frustrated, or even reeling with pain and fear. Yet how you approach the problem has a lot to do with its chances of being resolved well. Here's how the two of you can make this situation work for you instead of against you. Here's how to "fight fair."

1. Be honest...and kind.
Some people think that being honest means they can blurt out whatever is on their minds. Not so. When emotions are high, people rarely think clearly. And they rarely see the whole truth of what they themselves are thinking. Conflict is a chance to practice controlling your emotions instead of letting them control you.

2. Treat the problem as--not his, not hers, but--ours.

Even sit on the same side of the table as you look at the problem, so you don't see--the budget, your child's poor report card, the letter terminating employment--whatever it is, in the same glance as your spouse. Also, calling it "our problem" means that no spouse leaves the other spouse holding the bag and attempting to solve it on his or her own.

3. Attack the problem, not the person.
Now is not the time to throw all your spouse's failings and weaknesses on the table. If your spouse's comments hurt you and you are pointing that out to her, now is not the time to call her names and pick on the way she disciplines the kids as well. If the problem is how to save money for a new car, now is not the time to bring up how your sopuse wrecked the other one and forgot to take the trash out also.

In fact, as you look at the problem, think, how can I show my spouse love in this?

4. Consider all options. Brainstorm and come up with a lot of ideas. If you have a lot of ideas in front of you, you'll be able to pick the good ones out of the pile. Make sure you consider:

your husband's ideas
your wife's ideas
ideas that are a combination of yours
something totally different--do research, use an expert

5. Try a solution.

Pick one answer and work on it honestly and sincerely together. Dirty fighters sabotage a solution just because it wasn't their idea. Don't do that.

6. Evaluate the solution and adjust when necessary.
Ask, how are we doing? Is our fund for the car slowly growing? How is the carpool situation working? Have my words hurt you recently? Make minor adjustments to solve the problem, or if necessary, try a completely different solution.

When a couple practices "fighting fair" in the smaller problems of life, they will strengthen their marriage and have good tools at their side for when the big problems come along.

http://marriage.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_fight_fair