WHEN HIV AIDS TOOK MY HUSBAND-from my booklet-'TAINTED SOUL BLESSED ETERNITY'

[Rev. Jenny Terrero]

I CHANGE THE LINEN

Why must you go - can i be divided?
e are whole, we are one
my love cannot be measured

Conceive of a life without you
I dare not speculate or ponder
how does one breath without air?
eat without food? walk without legs?
I cannot go on alone.

Even so, how can I survive the pictures
my eyes will bring to my minds memory
in the still of the night during hours of supposed rest?

What shall I do when I look at you?
I refuse to look, I cannot deny how the bones of you face
and your body slowly protrude.

I commend you as you struggle to carry
your frail body and fight against invading germs
oh the betrayal of the flesh - snares - traps
temporal lustful temptations - the death penalty
of a moment of foolish passions!

The drugs that will help you forget your pain
the intravenous hypodermic needle you once
used to deliver your mind of painful memories
now I must use daily on your Hickman Catheter
to keep it clean for your next appointment
the medication treatment seems to take forever
does it really? You look terrible. You smell funny after.
That smell, will i ever forget it?
I argue with my mind whether to remember or not.
I cannot bare your fear fear - your eyes filled with pain
looking at me.

Not now! Not this way! You are human.
Why do they treat you like that?
I will take care of you. Yes, I will hold you, bathed you,
dress you, feed you. I will love you!
I sit here in this hospital room, and stare at you as you try to sleep.
Your breathing gets more difficult as time slowly drifts by.
I am uncomfortable, my back hurts, my head pains listening to the
other patients moaning, groaning, crying out for the lady's in white.
Day after day, night after night, I have sat here in a hard chair - wait - stare.

Today is the day they tell me
I am holding you close
the morphine drip will soon take you
into a world of eternal peace
soon you will take your last breath

I feel your body growing cold
your breathing gets deeper, heavier
there is a longer lapse of time between breaths
my heart skips a beat
I know you are about to leave
I comfort you and say
"it's OK to let go - I will see you again some day

You are still now
cold in my arms
your heart has ...........................................................................
ceased to beat
I lift up my head
blow you a kiss in the air
squeeze my eyes tight
You are free!
What shall become of me?
I let out my pain and grow numb.................................................
.
(this booklet can only be ordered from the author for a love offering-write to [e-mail]